I have made some mistakes in my life. Most of the mistakes have strangely worked out in my favor to the point where I guess you couldn't really call them mistakes anymore. Apparently, I haven't made any mistakes in my life. But there have been moments that I regretted and generally, these moments occur when I am at a concert and usually the regret goes something like, "Wow, I really regret coming to this concert." I'm not at the concert by mistake. I went of my own volition. If it had been a mistake, I would have been like, "Hey. I wasn't supposed to be at this concert. What the hell?" If it were a mistake, I could have very quickly corrected that mistake by leaving the concert. But a regrettable decision is different. There have been a number of concerts and moments at concerts that I regret having made a regrettable decision. Over the next week or so, I'm gonna share some of these regrettable concert decisions because frankly, they are the most relatable stories that I can share. There are others but it's is going to a lot easier to understand these then to tell you why I regretted going to see my little brother's
high school's production of Godspell
because I'd just be boring you because who gives a fuck about Godspell
? God certainly doesn't. And besides, hearing about how I saw Fall Out Boy open for two different ska bands on two different occaisons is going to allow you to respect me a lot less then my eloquently worded treatise on stupid fucking Godspell. Spring Concert UMass 2002 (Guster, The Roots, Ludacris)
Every year, UMass puts on a big concert with a ridiculously unbalanced lineup of the strangest mix of bands and musicians conceivable. My sophomore year it was Reel Big Fish and 50 Cent but I left after Reel Big Fish (cause RBF is the shit) so there isn't a fun story there. My freshman year, however, I stayed the whole time and man, oh, man was it worth it.
First off, there is nothing funny about Guster because Guster is Guster. Guster is the kind of music I wouldn't be mad that my girlfriend listened to (she doesn't) but I wouldn't be proud either. When I find out people like Guster, I go, "Eh." I don't think you can hate Guster because I don't think anybody can really care that passionately about them. Guster evokes almost absolutely nothing in me, positive or negative. It's like a band of three John Mayers but none of them are funny. Guster just is and it's existence doesn't really bother me. Though the guy drumming with his hands is kind of annoying in a he-could-kick-the-shit-out-of-me-without-even-kicking-me way.
There is also nothing funny about the Roots but for the exact opposite reason of Guster. The Roots are amazing. That's it.
Now, the headliner on the other hand was a man named Ludacris. Remember, this isn't the Ludacris from Crash
. This is the Ludacris from move-bitch-get-out-the-way-get-out-the-way-bitch-get-out-the way. Ludacris is a man, two hypeman, and a dj an HE STILL TOOK A FUCKING HOUR TO SET UP! Unbelievable. The Roots played for an hour and a half. Ludacris played for about 20 mins once he got going. But the best part of this story is that Ludacris does a lot of between song banter that is mind-boggling poetic. First, he made all his "dawgs" bark. Fine. "dawgs" gotta bark. Then he asked where the fellas were at and we all barked again. And then he asked for the ladies. He said, "All ya'll ladies, if your pussy's clean, scream."
I wish I had a decibel meter for the Mullins Center that day because when he said that, the room went insane. INSANE. I thought for a second that it was 1969, 1985, and 1999 all at the same time and that the Beatles, Michael Jackson, and NSync had stepped out onstage at the same time. And this was a concert at ZOOMASS! Party school #1!!!!
All of these girls had clean genitals? Really? I kept looking around for the one honest girl who was gazing at her shoes, kicking the ground, CharlieBrown style but she wasn't there. It's an amazing testament to the safe sex education going on in the dorms at UMass Amherst that there was not one female not screaming. Though to fair, I bet if Ludacris yelled "All ya'll fellas, if your dick's got cheese, scream!", you would have been able to hear a pin drop.
College. It ain't honest.