The following is my submission for the 2005 Student Commencement speech. If the weather allows, I'll most likely be reading it at the Comedy Studio Thursday night. Please enjoy...
A famous man once said, “Look beyond what you can see with just your eyes and you’ll find a bucket of rainbows.” Remember this, my friends, on the day of your commencement. Remember that just because a person is famous, it doesn’t mean that the things they say will make sense. That’s why I’m here today. The organizers of today’s festivities were sitting around trying to think of a cool, famous speaker that would really motivate you guys and I stormed right into that office and yelled, “Look beyond what you can see with just your eyes and you’ll find a bucket of rainbows” and they were all like, “What?” and I was like, “It’s a quote… from a famous person” and then they were like, “Really? Who?” and I was like, “I don’t know but it’s famous. I read it” and they were like, “In a book?” and I said, “No. Online.” And they were like, “Oh… well that quote doesn’t make any sense” and I was like, “I know. That’s why you should let me give that speech on commencement day. If you let some famous person come down here, he/she’s just gonna spit out some nonsense like ‘look beyond what you can see with just your eyes and you’ll find a bucket of rainbows.” Then they were like, “Well who are you?” and I said, “I’m Sean Sullivan” and they were like, “Who?” and I said, “Exactly.” Cause you see, all the important quotes from famous people were all made before they were famous. Like Gandhi. Gandhi did all his good stuff before he was famous. Once he got some attention and started to be recognized, he became all focused on his weight and stuff. You don’t want Gandhi to be giving your commencement speech. You want somebody unknown so that in 10 years when you’re flipping through the TV Guide and you see “The Sean Sullivan Show,” you say, “Who the hell's Sean Sullivan? I don’t know. I guess I’ll watch it.”
So here we are, Class of 2005. Take a look to your left. Take a look to your right. Those two people that you just looked at… they won’t be here tomorrow. Cause they graduated. From college. I… ah… also graduated. I just don’t have anybody to look at me. So… look at the podium. Look at the speaker. He also graduated. Ok. Now we’re all equal. We all graduated. Unless of course… you have to finish up a couple of credits over the summer but you petitioned to walk in the spring. You’re not lesser people… you’re just… well… you’re still people. And nobody… not even that professor who gave you an incomplete cause instead of writing a paper about the indigenous people of Australia, you wrote “Wendy’s Pick-Up Window. Open Late” 3,000 times on pink cardstock in crayon. You’re here today and that’s all that matters.
And what an exciting year to be graduating from the flagship campus of a fledging state university system. University of Massachusetts at Amherst Class of 2005, you are the 2004 World Champion Boston Red Sox. You’re the class that got so close every year… so close… you could reach out and grab it but alas… you always fell short. Everybody believed in you and time and time again, you always let them down. For 86 years, you let everybody down. But not this year. Oh no. This was the year. Even when you traded Nomar and it looked like it was all gonna turn to shit again, you persevered. Finally, you’re a winner. Finally, you can hold your head high and say, “I am not a loser. I AM NOT A LOSER.”
Today, you step into a world a graduate of Umass, going the ranks of the tens of famous people who once graced our fine institution and who are now blissfully crazy. Let’s do the list. Bill Pullman. Crazy. Seriously, Casper the Friendly Ghost? Richard Gere. Crazy. A gerbil is a pet, Dick. Dr. J. Crazy. What’s Dr. J a doctor of? Slam-dunks? Sorry but I don’t think you can get a PhD in slam-dunking. Bill Cosby? Super crazy. What happened to him, huh? He’s mean now. He’s just a mean, old man. Bill Cosby is upset because African-American youths aren’t taking full advantage of their educational possibilities. What? Dude… I didn’t watch a whole lot of the Fat Albert cartoons growing up but of the few I did see, I don’t remember any episodes where the Cosby kids were studying real hard for that big math test. I only remember them hanging out in a junkyard playing music with radiators and syringes. And what’s the deal with that movie with the fat man’s Kel Mitchell? Really? Who thought a live action Fat Albert movie was a good idea. Come on, Bill, get your shit together, buddy. So listen up, Class of 2005, do not follow Bill Cosby’s example. That guy is batshit crazy. He’s got a giant hole in his brain from sucking up all those processing fumes from all that Kodak film. You guys want to be like Richard Gere and shove gerbils up your ass, that’s ok cause Richard Gere has an Oscar. Bill Cosby just has Ghost Dad.
But you should’t try and follow in anyone’s footsteps. You should lay out your own path… a path laced with the memories of your four years at Umass. Now, I know that none of us could possibly remember every moment of our four year trip but it might be worthwhile, while you still have the chance, to find out from your buddies what really happened that night when you blacked out and woke up on the steps of the Student Union in a gorilla costumes with a bucket of mascara and a sign that said, “2 + 3 = MEAT.” Sure, all that stuff you learned about cellular mitosis and all the time you spent studying Locke’s treatises will probably pay off someday, but it’s gonna be the story about how you drunkenly hooked up with your RA that’s gonna convince your kid’s friends to label you, “the coolest dad in the world” or secure your status as a MILF. Sure… your computer science degree is gonna look good when you interview for a job at Microsoft but it’s gonna be the story of the time you walked in on your roommate asphyxiating himself auto-erotically that’s gonna seal the deal. You guys didn’t just pay for an education. You paid for four years of memories and adventures like the time you dressed in drag so you could get into Smith College’s topless pillow fight party. So treasure those memories as you enter into the overly competitive job market and piss poor economy.
So… I guess I’ll try and sum up what I’m trying to say. Remember: Don’t trust famous people. They’re liars. Remember: That time you ate a dozen eggs cause you were drunk on warm PBR. And remember this day, cause I probably won’t. What is it? 1000 degrees out here? Seriously… I probably shouldn’t have finished off that bottle of Grey Goose for breakfast.
Oh yeah and remember… dreams do come true. They do. But also remember, that some dreams don’t come true. You can’t be discouraged. And oh yeah, remember that a nightmare is also a dream that can come true, ok? You gotta take the good with the bad. And if your dream does come true, lay off for awhile, ok? Don’t be greedy. Not everybody’s dreams are gonna come true. It’s not cool to have like 6 of your dreams come true in a row and then go showing off. And don’t be a braggart. If your dream comes true, celebrate small. Some people can’t even remember their dreams. Take me for instance. I only remember my dreams when I drink a lot of orange juice before I go to bed and they’re always the craziest dreams. Like one night, I had a whole mess of orange juice before I went to bed and I had this weird dream where this Nazi chick… like real Nazi… brownshirt and everything is barking at me in German to shave my head and then when I woke up all the sheets were ripped off my bed and my shorts were around my ankles and I was handcuffed to the wall. That’s a dream I don’t want to come true. So if you dream about someday marrying a Harvard doctor and having like 8 of his babies and someday you do marry a Harvard doctor and have 8 of his babies, keep it to yourself. Don’t be an asshole. I’d love to someday marry a Harvard doctor and have 8 of his babies but I’m stuck with some Nazi chick making me shave my head. We’re not all born with silver spoons in our ass so lay off.
