Cross stitch

As many of you loyal readers of www.sean-sullivan.com may be aware, I have found myself a very cushy internship for the fall semester. Now, I tell you this not to remind you loyal readers of www.sean-sullivan.com of how awful your lives are in comparison to mine, but as an introduction to new readers (of which there are literally none a day) for the piece I present you with today. Enjoy.

My internship is grandiose but not because I have people like Jim Belushi! walk by me without any acknowledgement. My internship is grandiose because I get to spend the entire day doing crossword puzzles. Now, some of your sarcasm meters might be alerting right about now but let me assure you that they are busted and you should return them to Radio Shack as soon as possible in order to get a full refund before the Radio Shack return policy fucks you hard. "But my sarcasm meter is guaranteed to work. It says so on the box!" Well, all I have to say is it looks like the box was wrong cause I love crossword puzzles.

Working at Late Night with Bonan O'Crien is great cause they get like 400 different newspapers delivered everyday. I don't know what they could possibly do with 400 different newspapers everyday but they get them. Everyday. 500. And you know what that means, right? 500 crossword puzzles! USA Today, The New York Post, The Daily News, The New York Times, Newsday, News News, Newsies' News, New News, and News. That's a lot of crossword puzzles which means I have to get there early if I'm going to get through them all.

But Sean, doesn't it get boring?

Do you want to get punched in the face? Cause that could be arranged. Of course, it doesn't get boring. Did you miss the part of this post where I said, "I love crossword puzzles." I think they are the most awesome things ever and if they were alive, I would kill them just so no other person could ever taint them. That's love. And sure, I get a wrong answer every now and then but you know what I say when I get a wrong answer, don't you? You don't? Well, I'll tell you...

"When I find that an answer I put doesn't fit, I throw that crossword away because that puzzle is wrong cause I never get a wrong answer. It's not my fault if they puzzle doesn't provide me with enough spaces for the right answer. That's the puzzle's fault. It's a faulty puzzle. When you work in an office and somebody doesn't do their job right, what do you do? That's right. Fire them. That's what I do with my faulty crossword puzzles. I fire them. I rip them up and throw them in the trash. That's right. The trash. I don't recycle faulty crossword puzzles cause I don't want them getting recycled and sucking up some future crossword puzzles, entering them into a neverending cycle of fault and suck. It may sound cruel but it's in the interest of the puzzle. You wouldn't want a really stupid animal to continue to produce really stupid animals, would you? That's why you neuter them. That's what I'm doing to crossword puzzles. I'm neutering them. I neuter faulty crossword puzzles and I do it proudly."

That's what I say every single time I find a crossword puzzle that doesn't want to agree with the answers I plug into it. I wish I hadn't made it so long, though, cause I tend to find that every crossword puzzle is faulty. Why can't a crossword puzzle for once not be faulty and let me put "whore baby" in the four spaces for the down clue, "DeGeneres sitcom"

Mrs. Sarafoglou saw phones in the hallway

During Mrs. Sarafoglou's Freshman English class, I was taught that all external human conflict could be neatly catergorized into three neat categories: Man vs Man, Man vs Nature, Man vs Machine. For example, a conflict between a man and a robot would fall under Man vs Machine, a conflict between a man and a hurricane or alligator under Man vs Nature, and conflict between a man and another man, Man vs Man. As a high school Freshman, I took this primitive classification system as Gospel and truly believed that these three classifications encompassed all potential external human conflicts.

But as a Senior in COLLEGE!, I know that Mrs. Sarafoglou was just a drunken bitch. How could she possibly know every possible conflict would only be susceptible to these three titles? So in order to prove Sarafoglou as the booze hound we once believed, I've compiled a list of conflicts that defy her tertiary classifications. Enjoy.

Man vs Dracula (A Vampire is not natural and being undead, Dracula cannot be considered a man)
Man vs a Man with a Robotic Beaver for an arm
Man vs Yo-yos (There is nothing natural or mechanical about a yo-yo... and no... the yo-yo is not being wielded by a man. It's acting of it's own volition)
Man vs Car driving Dinosaurs with Uzis
Man vs Dinosaur driving Cars with Uzis
Man vs Uzis driving Car Dinosaurs
Man vs Woman (Mrs. Sarafoglou was nothing if not a misogynist)
Man vs Tree with a Gun

Report

There is something alternatively soothing and scary about hearing Radiohead's The Bends in the alley next to your apartment when you live in a predominantly Hispanic and African-American neighborhood.

Hellowdy

If in the course of reading this, you feel compelled to comment, then by all means, please comment. If in the course of reading this, you feel compelled to stop reading, then by all means, stop reading. If in the course of reading this, your nose begins to bleed, then by all means, wipe away the blood that will surely crust on your upper lip. If in the course of reading this, you fall asleep, then by all means, please enjoy your selective slumber. If in the course of reading this, you feel that your I.Q. may have dropped a number of points, then by all means, penguin chap fart. If in the course of reading this, you feel compelled to call me, then by all means, look up my phone number in some sort of phone directory or contact the operator and call me. If in the course of reading this, you feel like punching me in the face, then by all means, refrain from doing so. If in the course of reading this, you have to use the bathroom for urinating or defacating, then by all means, get up and go to the bathroom. If in the course of reading this, something enters your eye and permanetly blinds, then by all means, it doesn't matter what I right nor does it matter that I spelled write "right" because you have been blinded by something entering your eye. If in the course of reading this, you are stung by a bee, then by all means, take that as a sign that God doesn't want that bee to live anymore. If in the course of reading this, you discover a cure for cancer, by all means, share it with scientists instead of cancer patients, who will read it and not necessarily know what to do with it unless that cancer patient also happens to be a scientist. If in the course of reading this, you want to give me a high paying job and a lofty, spacious apartment overlooking an aquarium of seagulls, then by all means, do so immediately. If in the course of reading this, you feel like you have learned anything at all, then by all means, overdose on sleeping pills.

First Update Since Forever Ago

I will tell you this...

I bought a Boston Red Sox hat before I moved to New York because I thought I could be the edgy outsider. Well... it's difficult to be the edgy outsider when you live a mile from Yankee Stadium. Yeah. Also, it's probably in my best interest to not draw any additional attention that my whiteboy status hasn't already taken care of. I'm not saying I live in an unsafe neighborhood. I'm just saying that it's not exactly the type of neighborhood where you want to go jogging at night, which is fortuitous cause I'm not the kind of guy who wants to go jogging at all. So, yeah. I usually keep my Red Sox hat hidden until I get on the train to Midtown (or Whitetown to you racists).

The funny thing is that I don't even really like baseball all that much.

The best part of New York is that the Subways never shut down. Not like in Boston where all the trains turn into pumpkins at 12:30.

I went to Coney Island and rode the Cyclone. It was awesome. We went to the Coney Island Side Show which wasn't as awesome.

I met Conan O'Brien and saw David Cross do stand-up in the same day. I also saw Eugene Mirman, Slovin and Allen, Jon Benjamin, Mike Birbiglia, and Jon Glaser in the same show.

I paid $5 to do an open mic in the basement of a Mexican food restaurant to 5 apathetic comics and 0 audience. Surprisingly, it was still much better than the Picadilly Pub in Dedham.

More adventures to come.