Cross stitch
As many of you loyal readers of www.sean-sullivan.com may be aware, I have found myself a very cushy internship for the fall semester. Now, I tell you this not to remind you loyal readers of www.sean-sullivan.com of how awful your lives are in comparison to mine, but as an introduction to new readers (of which there are literally none a day) for the piece I present you with today. Enjoy.
My internship is grandiose but not because I have people like Jim Belushi! walk by me without any acknowledgement. My internship is grandiose because I get to spend the entire day doing crossword puzzles. Now, some of your sarcasm meters might be alerting right about now but let me assure you that they are busted and you should return them to Radio Shack as soon as possible in order to get a full refund before the Radio Shack return policy fucks you hard. "But my sarcasm meter is guaranteed to work. It says so on the box!" Well, all I have to say is it looks like the box was wrong cause I love crossword puzzles.
Working at Late Night with Bonan O'Crien is great cause they get like 400 different newspapers delivered everyday. I don't know what they could possibly do with 400 different newspapers everyday but they get them. Everyday. 500. And you know what that means, right? 500 crossword puzzles! USA Today, The New York Post, The Daily News, The New York Times, Newsday, News News, Newsies' News, New News, and News. That's a lot of crossword puzzles which means I have to get there early if I'm going to get through them all.
But Sean, doesn't it get boring?
Do you want to get punched in the face? Cause that could be arranged. Of course, it doesn't get boring. Did you miss the part of this post where I said, "I love crossword puzzles." I think they are the most awesome things ever and if they were alive, I would kill them just so no other person could ever taint them. That's love. And sure, I get a wrong answer every now and then but you know what I say when I get a wrong answer, don't you? You don't? Well, I'll tell you...
"When I find that an answer I put doesn't fit, I throw that crossword away because that puzzle is wrong cause I never get a wrong answer. It's not my fault if they puzzle doesn't provide me with enough spaces for the right answer. That's the puzzle's fault. It's a faulty puzzle. When you work in an office and somebody doesn't do their job right, what do you do? That's right. Fire them. That's what I do with my faulty crossword puzzles. I fire them. I rip them up and throw them in the trash. That's right. The trash. I don't recycle faulty crossword puzzles cause I don't want them getting recycled and sucking up some future crossword puzzles, entering them into a neverending cycle of fault and suck. It may sound cruel but it's in the interest of the puzzle. You wouldn't want a really stupid animal to continue to produce really stupid animals, would you? That's why you neuter them. That's what I'm doing to crossword puzzles. I'm neutering them. I neuter faulty crossword puzzles and I do it proudly."
That's what I say every single time I find a crossword puzzle that doesn't want to agree with the answers I plug into it. I wish I hadn't made it so long, though, cause I tend to find that every crossword puzzle is faulty. Why can't a crossword puzzle for once not be faulty and let me put "whore baby" in the four spaces for the down clue, "DeGeneres sitcom"
My internship is grandiose but not because I have people like Jim Belushi! walk by me without any acknowledgement. My internship is grandiose because I get to spend the entire day doing crossword puzzles. Now, some of your sarcasm meters might be alerting right about now but let me assure you that they are busted and you should return them to Radio Shack as soon as possible in order to get a full refund before the Radio Shack return policy fucks you hard. "But my sarcasm meter is guaranteed to work. It says so on the box!" Well, all I have to say is it looks like the box was wrong cause I love crossword puzzles.
Working at Late Night with Bonan O'Crien is great cause they get like 400 different newspapers delivered everyday. I don't know what they could possibly do with 400 different newspapers everyday but they get them. Everyday. 500. And you know what that means, right? 500 crossword puzzles! USA Today, The New York Post, The Daily News, The New York Times, Newsday, News News, Newsies' News, New News, and News. That's a lot of crossword puzzles which means I have to get there early if I'm going to get through them all.
But Sean, doesn't it get boring?
Do you want to get punched in the face? Cause that could be arranged. Of course, it doesn't get boring. Did you miss the part of this post where I said, "I love crossword puzzles." I think they are the most awesome things ever and if they were alive, I would kill them just so no other person could ever taint them. That's love. And sure, I get a wrong answer every now and then but you know what I say when I get a wrong answer, don't you? You don't? Well, I'll tell you...
"When I find that an answer I put doesn't fit, I throw that crossword away because that puzzle is wrong cause I never get a wrong answer. It's not my fault if they puzzle doesn't provide me with enough spaces for the right answer. That's the puzzle's fault. It's a faulty puzzle. When you work in an office and somebody doesn't do their job right, what do you do? That's right. Fire them. That's what I do with my faulty crossword puzzles. I fire them. I rip them up and throw them in the trash. That's right. The trash. I don't recycle faulty crossword puzzles cause I don't want them getting recycled and sucking up some future crossword puzzles, entering them into a neverending cycle of fault and suck. It may sound cruel but it's in the interest of the puzzle. You wouldn't want a really stupid animal to continue to produce really stupid animals, would you? That's why you neuter them. That's what I'm doing to crossword puzzles. I'm neutering them. I neuter faulty crossword puzzles and I do it proudly."
That's what I say every single time I find a crossword puzzle that doesn't want to agree with the answers I plug into it. I wish I hadn't made it so long, though, cause I tend to find that every crossword puzzle is faulty. Why can't a crossword puzzle for once not be faulty and let me put "whore baby" in the four spaces for the down clue, "DeGeneres sitcom"
3 Comments:
"whore baby" that's really funny... did you think of that yourself? It's hard to believe that you did, since it's so damn funny... I've been an avid reader of your blog, but now I get the feeling that maybe you've been stealing material... that makes me sad. Plus I'd like to know how many times a baby has to fucked to qualify for the afromentioned title.
aforementioned*
be fucked*** I realize this implies that the baby is only being fucked, but I don't want to make any assumptions, perhaps the baby is doing the fucking... perhaps I need a job
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