A post? Impossible.
I saw Mission: Impossible III with my friend, Steve. I asked him if he wanted to go because earlier in the day, we had gotten into a heated discussion about Scientology on AOL (R) Instant Messanger (TM) software. He thought that Scientology was the most fucked thing ever because Scientologists believe some pretty crazy stuff and I thought that Scientology was the most fucking awesome thing ever because it is!!! (I recently converted. It's pretty fun. Best part? No Catholic guilt. If anybody wants to talk about it sometime, I'd be more than happy to*)
*for a nominal fee
I read an article in Rolling Stone about Scientology one day while I was working at the RMV. My boss kept telling me to put the magazine down and get back to work and I kept telling him that if he didn't leave me alone, I'd have Xenu throw him in a volcano. I couldn't ever actually convert to Scientology because it's incredibly expensive. Like really expensive. I think money really does make some people go insane and I'm glad that crazy, rich people have Scientology to throw their money at because if it wasn't there, Tom Cruise would be a James Bond Villian. Like if he didn't have to spend so much time trying to defend his crazy religion, he'd probably be building lazers to blow up the moon. And he could do it. The newest EW (that's Entertainment Weekly for you gays not in the biz... I'm not in the biz) says on the cover that he made $100,000,000 for War of the Worlds. That doesn't even make sense. I might have read the article inside and they might have said that when they tried to calculate why he made that much money on that movie, that their calculators might have exploded. $100,000,000 is some James Bond villian type stuff.
Which brings us back to MI:3 where Tom Cruise doesn't play a James Bond villain but instead a poor excuse for James Bond. For what it was, there was a lot of blowing stuff up and a lot of P.S. Hoffman being bad ass. Also, there was a whole lot of suspension of disbelief because as we all know Tom Cruise is batshit crazy and if he were to infiltrate the Vatican like he does in the movie, he wouldn't be arresting terrorists. He'd be killing popes!!! Because Scientologists believe that Christianity is a false idea planted by some word that Steve looked up on the Wikipedia that essentially means Anti-Scientologists. Anti-Scientologists have planted all these crazy ideas that serve to counteract the work of Xenu or whatever. These ideas include all major religions, stuff like all scientific facts, evolution, babies. It's fucked. You know who else are Anti-Scientologists? Oh I don't know. Everyone who's not a scientologist.
On a whole though, Tommy C seems to be able to seperate work and crazy and not plant Scientology propaganda in his big budget blow-em-ups. Which is great but I still think they let a few slide. Like when PS Hoffman has Tom Cruise tied up in a chair and PS tortures Cruise-o's wife and Cruise is like "You madman! You need auditing!" or like when he's sliding down some Chinese building made out of angled glass and he's shooting armed guards and shouting "Jesus can suck one of Xenu's 8 dicks."
Maybe those scenes weren't in the movie. But it wouldn't have been funny.
I should probably proofread this stuff and make sure it's funny before I post it. I really am pretty terrible. Top that, Silvestri. Kaplan, you don't have to top anything. Steve, how accurate was this? Anyone else who accidentally reads this, I apologize.
*for a nominal fee
I read an article in Rolling Stone about Scientology one day while I was working at the RMV. My boss kept telling me to put the magazine down and get back to work and I kept telling him that if he didn't leave me alone, I'd have Xenu throw him in a volcano. I couldn't ever actually convert to Scientology because it's incredibly expensive. Like really expensive. I think money really does make some people go insane and I'm glad that crazy, rich people have Scientology to throw their money at because if it wasn't there, Tom Cruise would be a James Bond Villian. Like if he didn't have to spend so much time trying to defend his crazy religion, he'd probably be building lazers to blow up the moon. And he could do it. The newest EW (that's Entertainment Weekly for you gays not in the biz... I'm not in the biz) says on the cover that he made $100,000,000 for War of the Worlds. That doesn't even make sense. I might have read the article inside and they might have said that when they tried to calculate why he made that much money on that movie, that their calculators might have exploded. $100,000,000 is some James Bond villian type stuff.
Which brings us back to MI:3 where Tom Cruise doesn't play a James Bond villain but instead a poor excuse for James Bond. For what it was, there was a lot of blowing stuff up and a lot of P.S. Hoffman being bad ass. Also, there was a whole lot of suspension of disbelief because as we all know Tom Cruise is batshit crazy and if he were to infiltrate the Vatican like he does in the movie, he wouldn't be arresting terrorists. He'd be killing popes!!! Because Scientologists believe that Christianity is a false idea planted by some word that Steve looked up on the Wikipedia that essentially means Anti-Scientologists. Anti-Scientologists have planted all these crazy ideas that serve to counteract the work of Xenu or whatever. These ideas include all major religions, stuff like all scientific facts, evolution, babies. It's fucked. You know who else are Anti-Scientologists? Oh I don't know. Everyone who's not a scientologist.
On a whole though, Tommy C seems to be able to seperate work and crazy and not plant Scientology propaganda in his big budget blow-em-ups. Which is great but I still think they let a few slide. Like when PS Hoffman has Tom Cruise tied up in a chair and PS tortures Cruise-o's wife and Cruise is like "You madman! You need auditing!" or like when he's sliding down some Chinese building made out of angled glass and he's shooting armed guards and shouting "Jesus can suck one of Xenu's 8 dicks."
Maybe those scenes weren't in the movie. But it wouldn't have been funny.
I should probably proofread this stuff and make sure it's funny before I post it. I really am pretty terrible. Top that, Silvestri. Kaplan, you don't have to top anything. Steve, how accurate was this? Anyone else who accidentally reads this, I apologize.
5 Comments:
That's awsome.
Check out my blog. I've just recently published an article on Scientology, which is both entertaining and factual. I think you'll find it a good read. Don't forget to leave a comment if you want.
Motherfucker, why do you have to go publish another post before I get a chance to respond to this one? Now no one will ever read my hilarious response to your post.
I would like to start out by saying that your post was both entertaining and factual, unlike lebatron's stupid-ass blog, which is neither entertaining nor factual. Seriously. I heard he has to go search on the internets for posts about Scientology just so he can tell them to read his blog, because no one would read it otherwise. Meanwhile, Sean Sullivan has none of that. He refuses to have anyone ever read his blog because he never posts.
But I hope you didn't forget to leave a comment on lebatron's blog. If you want. No committment.
Now, responding to your actual post. You are way off base on scientology. Way way off base. It's almost like you got all your information from a South Park episode. No, Sean Sullivan, Xenu did not drop our engrams into a volcano, as depicted in that South Park episode. Xenu actually chained us to the bottom of the volcano and blew us up with hydrogen bombs. Big difference. Big difference. Big difference.
And the Brockton shoe making industry wasn't ruined by Italian immigration. You just made that shit up.
you should tell people when you're going to write something...
and by people i mean me
(i'm trying very carefully not to top anything here... how am i doing? i chose the "by ____ i mean ____" format of joke because i don't think it ever could top anything, except maybe two pair)
PS i don't know anything about scientology, but i believe its just as valid as christianity (equals not at all valid...you can't be negatively valid, can you?) and less valid than buddhism
PPS buddha is phat
I am a better Sean Sullivan than you are... give me your domain bitch
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