The Reviews Are In!!!

"Your website might be the worst fucking website on the whole fucking internet!"

Matt Traub, esq.

I just want to thank Mr Traub for his kind words. This really is an honor. Wow. I don't really know what to say. I guess I really just want to thank Matt Traub. Man, this is... I'm tearing up writing this. He really is the best. Matt Traub... this post is for you.

Oh. You don't know who Matt Traub is? Well, let me share some stories.

First and foremost, Matt Traub is my friend. I don't care what he says. We're just friends.

Nothing more. If he tries to tell you we're something more, he's lying. It's just platonic. We met in college, specifically the University of Massachusetts. We took a class together called Theater 160. This was a class that was designed to give you an overview of all aspects of the technical side of theater. There was a basic costume design part, a basic lighting part, a basic stagecraft part, and a basic drafting part. The class also served to give an overview of how much Matt Traub shouldn't have majored in theater.

If ever there were a person less suited for a degree in theater, I've yet to meet him. Matt would have been a great banker or Gucchi sunglass designer. Really. He'd be tremendous. Certainly more effective than he is as a pulmonary respirator salesman. If you've ever watched that show Entourage, Matt Traub is like a combination of all those characters without the talent, charisma, personality, or good looks.

Matt was recently on MySpace. He had four friends including Tom, SeanGeorge, and myself. He told me that he took himself off of MySpace and that he was going to come back in like a month and blow up. It's Machiavelli's Seven Day thing that people thought Tupac was doing back when people thought Tupac faked his own death.
The only difference is that Tupac actually died and nobody cares about Matt Traub. Believe me, Matt, if this website is any indication, if you disappear for a month and then all of a sudden reemerge, nobody cares.

Matt lives in Andover now, where he most likely spend the rest of his miserable life. Sure, he makes much more money than me selling CPR dummies to nursing homes and yeah, sure, he's a jew and he lives in a converted church (grrrrr... heathen) and so what if he drives a company car and smells like roses (he was a queer eyed straight guy long before the show). I've got one thing that he doesn't have... (psst... it's the Gift of Dance), that's right, the Gift of Dance.

So, Matt Traub, I thank you for your review of my website. And to return the favor, here are some more reviews (this time, they're of you.)

"You suck" - Me
"Why would review that piece of shit?" - SeanGeorge
"Two and a half stars out of five" - Michael Salamone
"I don't want to say pedophile but that's the first thing that comes to mind" - Mark Rogers
"The Jewish Bill Growney" - Brian Punch
"I'm dead." - Gene Siskel
"Matt Traub's greatest ability is finding the gayest clothes in the Salvation Army dumpster as possible" - Sean Cote
"Adorable, bite-sized Jew" - Jess Burday
" okadally dokadally. this kid is soo cool he drops off myspaces. cool matt. he's says wait til he comes back. like a hurricane. im not sure if he was quoting the band scorpions but i think hes just an idiot. if you thought hurricane katrina was bad you havent seen matt "the hurricane" traub." - Matt Traub's friend, Sam
"broadshouldered and pure of heart" - Ken Reid
"Matt Traub has crabs" - Andrea Henry

Feel free to leave more reviews of Matt Traub in the comments and I'll be sure to add them to the main page.