Roman eyb eyb

I'm not the biggest baseball fan. I just don't have the attention span but what a week for the Red Sox, huh? Seriously, what was ARod gonna do against a guy in battle armor? Sure, Variteck isn't a Mechwarrior but he's got a chest plate, shin guards, and a face mask. The only way ARod would've won that is if he reached down into his itchy jockstrap and pulled out that fat wad of cash he keeps tucked behind his balls at all time to constantly remind himself that he's a filthy whore, and thrown a million dollars at Variteck. And was anybody else disappointed that David Ortiz didn't bite somebody? The guy is 300 pounds heavier than Pedro Cerrano but I'd bet that Ortiz could sacrifice just as many chickens pre-game. Jobu certainly would be happy. Unless Kevin Millar got ahold of them chickens cause as we all know from those subpar KFC commercials that Millar loves chicken. I'm no film student but could those commercials look any more amateurish?

And then they traded Nomar... which was unexpected. Now even though I could better explain how Rodgers and Hammerstein revolutionized modern American musical theater, I think this is good. It's about time the Red Sox took a page out of Bellicheck's playbook. So goodbye, Nomar. The person I really feel bad for is Theo Epstein or as I like to call him, Pontius Pilate. Just wash your hands, guy. Just wash your hands.

Comedy Contest in Quincy

Comedy Contest in Quincy
As reported by Billy

Quincy, MA- The varsity Club, a quaint little bar on Independence Ave, was turned into the Sodomy Society on Wends. night as nine comics, one host, and  a booker were figuratively raped by an unapologetically apathetic audience that was as uncaring as it was inattentive. Comedian Sean Sullivan described the situation onstage as being "more awkward than the time my uncle raped me."
The night got off to a bad start when booker Steve Leach, a most gentlemanly fellow, who had planned a prompt 9 o'clock start for his $50 Comedy Contest, was told by the owner of the bar, one Mr. Giant-Jackass-Who-Watched-Last-Comic-Standing-And-Decided-To-Cash-In-On-The-General-Public's-Newfound-Love-Of-Comedy-And-Also-Contests-Containing-Comedy, decreed that the show could start but that the volume of the baseball game would stay at full. As the comics waited for the Red Sox to finish floundering, it would seem that each comic individually decided that this was going to a comic slaughterhouse and that each comic would rather act as a Kamikaze pilot and bring the entire room down with them.
As Meathead Nation filled the bar, the muscleheads and their plastic girlfriends could not be bothered to stop looking in the mirror in order to focus on the nine comics, who were all about to be executed.
As the room began to smell of herpes, silicone, and creatin, Mike Whittman took the mic and immediately began sniping at a crowd that wouldn't listen. Mike established a hostile relationship from the onset. It must be reiterated that the comics at this show would have had an easier time performing standup comedy at the Nuremburg Trials.
Broken but not beaten, each comic did their 8-10 mins, though not exactly as they may have originally intended. Anthony Spencer repeated the Hail Mary over and over again for 5 mins to the delight of the three cognizant audience members. Sean Sullivan started immediately stripping away his clothes, leaving only his wife beater and jeans, which would have been removed if he would have remembered whether his boxer shorts had a button on the front.
The show came to a close and Owen Bowness, a comic who describes himself as "Mel Gibson with AIDS" was announced the victor. The tone among the comics was funereal to say the least, as each mourned their dignity and nursed their bleeding anuses from the raping that just occurred.

Billy is a nine year old roaming reporter for the imaginary press

The One Where I Only Write Three Words

This is it.

Weekend Box Office

So... just like every other blog in the entire world, I'm going to spin my own whimsy over this weekends top 10 films at the Box Office. It's not original but nothing ever is...

1. Spiderman 2 - This movie so completely erased the first one, it shall be forever know as Spiderman and we can all forget how bad Macy Gray lamed up the first one.

2. Fahrenheit 911 - I didn't see it cause... well... I don't care. There. I said it. I don't care. If you want to see a big, opinionated jackass, you should look up above at my schedule and follow me around in a hippie van.

3. White Chicks - I'd rather see "Garfield."

4. Dodgeball - I haven't seen this one either but Ben Stiller was already mediocre as this character in "Heavyweights."

5. The Notebook - Zzzzzzzzzzz

6. The Terminal - Tom Hanks plays Balki from Perfect Strangers and Peter Scolari plays with Mark Linn-Baker.

7. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - Seeing as how the second Harry Potter was exactly the same as the first Harry Potter, I will not be seeing the third Harry Potter.

8. Shrek 2 - What's the message from Shrek? It's not that love is blind. It's that love isn't blind and in order for love to work, one person has to change completely into an ogre and live in a swamp. That's not a message I want my imaginary kids seeing. Thus...

9. Garfield - See my blurb on "White Chicks" above and then shoot me in the face.

10. Two Brothers - Movies about Tigers are as exciting as movies about people called "The Notebook."

Now... stay tuned, loyal readers as I can only improve. It's hard not to top this shit.

Incubus in Providence

I'll edit this later to fill in the details of the fucked weather and other mundane minutiae of a night nobody cares to hear about from me.

Sparta was great. Lot of new songs.

Incubus: Set list. I know the first and last songs. The rest won't be in order.

Megalomaniac (first song), Nice to Know You, Make Yourself, Drive (a tripped out awesome version of arguably the band's lamest song- the live piano drive ruled) CROWDED ELEVATOR!, Idiot Box, Vitamin, Circles, Wish You were Here, Just a Phase, A Crow Left of the Murder, Talk Shows on Mute, Sick Sad Little World, Pistola, Priceless, Made For TV Movie, Here in my Room, ENCORE: Something, BLACK HOLE SUN BY MOTHERFUCKING SOUNDGARDEN!, and THe Warmth

Two Nights, 10 Mins of Comedy

Wends night, me, hags, and steves went to the Emerald Isle on Dot Ave in Dorchester for a little open mic action. I did five minutes of mostly new stuff with a shitty joke about reece witherspoon thrown at the end for good measure. The crowd was small but responsive. Check Robbie Roadsteamer's Website. He's crazily hilarious or hilariously crazy.

Thurs night, me and hags (who are dating) went to the great and secret show. For some lapse of reason, dwalsh asked me to do five minutes. I did. The G&S crowds are great cause they either laugh at everything or nothing. Last night, they weren't gonna laugh unless you earned it which was great cause I had to work harder. I'm so lame. If this blog were a person, it'd have a terminal disease but alas, this blog is me and I'm fine.