Game 2

I was fortunate/unfortunate enough to get tickets to Game 2 of the ALCS at Yankee Stadium. Now, even though I've shown less than a passing interest toward baseball in the past, the Boston Red Sox are representative of home and being away from home, I've sort of latched onto them. Sure, I can talk about baseball just as well as I can about grocery shopping and astro physics but I usually only end up talking baseball with a bunch of lazy, child-molesting Yankee fans so it doesn't really matter that I don't know shit about baseball cause I always resort back to the Yankees Suck arguement. (All right, even I'll admit that it's unfair to call all Yankee fans lazy and also child molestors but let's just say that I wouldn't leave my imaginary child with ole Grabby McYanks Fan. That's all I'm saying.) And yes, this ESSAY will be filled with all sorts of unsubstantiated generalizations that have less to do with logic and validity as they do with humor and vulgarity. But I guess that's part of the fun of being a Red Sox fan (see? i've already started avoiding logic, validity, and even grammar.)

I went to Game 2 Yankee Stadium and felt about as welcome as Matlock at the Nuremburg Trials (You see, Matlock was a defense lawyer and the Nuremburg Trials were for Nazis and well...) There really is nothing more crushing than a Red Sox defeat at Yankee Stadium. It's one of those things where you just want to cry because it always feels like we're the sweet and innocent ugly monster toys from the hit film Small Soldiers and the Yankees are the shitty, evil Tommy Lee Jones toys. (Metaphors that don't make sense? I's gots two.)

I often argue with Yankees fans that they've won enough championships already. And since I only talk to people under 25 (It's a cool Teen People thing), they always say the same thing. "You know? The Red Sox won a whole bunch of World Series before 1918..." Before 1918? Excuse me if I find it difficult to take pride in championships my team won before women earned the right to vote (Bitches, I looked it up. Amendment 19 added in 1920. This analogy is sticking.) And how many teams were there before 1918? 6? (I didn't look this up.) Sweet. Not a real impressive dynasty when you're beating 6 teams with guys named Honus and Hopsworth in the starting lineups. Hell, black people couldn't even watch baseball back then without being blinded (Made up fact- just cause it's made up doesn't stop it from being fact.) "Hooray! Con-grat-ul-ations, champs! You won the baseball contest. Let's celebrate by going to the ole brewhouse and having us a round of alcoholic beverages and cholera."

26 world series titles! "But I was only alive for four of them" If you've been alive for 4 World Series titles, that's four more than any Red Sox fan has been alive for cause the Red Sox haven't won since 1918. Even if you could find somebody who remembers 1918, they're old! Everything they say is immediately suspect.

So... what did we learn from all of this?
Answer.... absolutely nothing. Because that's what Red Sox fans do. They do not learn. That's the only justification I can come up with for why we do this to ourselves each and every year. We're idiots... but good idiots. The kind of idiots that you like to hang out with year. The kind of idiots you like to get hopped up on goofy pills and oppress minorities with. It's Boston. If they ever won the world series, the whole city would burn to the ground.